First, I want to say "thank you" to all of you who commented and emailed me during this blog series. Your care, words and prayers were so appreciated and comforting. Thank you for sharing your stories and struggles. It feels so good to know we aren't along, doesn't it?
I'm going to link 10 posts here--convienient if you ever feel the need to read through it from beginning to end, or maybe share it with someone else who needs it.
Just click on each picture, starting with the darkest one.
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It's taken some time for the me to complete the final chapter of my Psalm 31 Journey blog series. Not sure why....other than the fact that I've been reflecting on what to share. Here goes.
It's been a little more than a year since I fell head deep into the pit. I feel so thankful to be at a completely different place now. In the last few months I feel like God has brought me full circle. I knew that God told me to not worry about "paying people back" and to just "receive." Yet, I was filled with joy when I recently realized that I had been able to serve those who had served me so much during such a difficult time. I was able to give back to them through childcare, time, meals. Not because I felt like I had to. In fact, at the specific moments of need, I didn't even connect the two situations. I did it because I was "full" again. I had the energy and joy and love to give away once again. The Lord healed me and brought me full circle to fill up others in their time of need.
And I am so, so thankful for that fact. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for seeing me through the fog. Indeed, "My lips will shout for you when I sing praise to you, I whom you have delivered.."
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Last December, slightly before Christmas....the Lord gave me a message. There have been times in my life when I feel like the Lord has very specifically spoken to me. Usually at these times, he not only tells me, but confirms it two of three other times....through a song, a sermon message, a friend. And that's what he did last Christmastime.
His message: "I delight in you."
A woman at church stopped me out the blue to tell me that God told her to tell me, "God wants you to know he DELIGHTS in you."
A few hours later, I got a text from another friend reminding me that "God is delighted with you, Janna."
Okay...I'm seeing a pattern. Then, it was confirmed in His Word.
"He delights in me." Psalm 18:19
"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every details of their lives.” Psalm 37:23
"The LORD your God is with you, 'he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17
Over the next few days and weeks. The message kept rolling around in my head. It was like a soothing balm on my journey to healing.
He delights in me. It made me feel a little giddy inside, kind of like the feeling you get when you find out a boy likes you.
He delights in me--the one he created. He completely understand me--and delights in it. He smiles at me. Not because of what I accomplished during the day. But just because I am me. He doesn't care if I haven't showered, if I didn't work out, if I let my kids watch 4 episodes of Shaun the Sheep. He simply delights in me.
It also brought a sense of peace--that HE sees me, and HE understands my heart. He knows what I pray and ponder. He knows my motives and secret thoughts (both beautiful and ugly). Even when my husband or dearest friends don't quite "get it," HE does--and he delights in me.
Maybe someone needs to hear that today. So LISTEN UP! The Lord DELIGHTS in you. Read that again--out loud: The Lord delights in ME. Absorb the truth of those words. Whisper it throughout the day. And feel the security, peace and joy that it brings.
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Things got rolling pretty good. Heading into December, I was feeling quite "fully" myself. I decided to go off the restrictive candida diet. After all, Christmas goodies were on the way...
The week of Christmas, I remember thinking, "I am SO thankful that I feel myself this season. That I can fully enjoy the season."
We returned from a 10-day holiday in the Rockies at my in-laws home. It had been a joyous and wonderful time--meeting my now sister-in-law Cath was the highlight. But as I settled into life's routine and the Christmas decorations were packed and put down in the basement, the fog began to roll in.
Hadn't we kicked this Lord? Hadn't we come so far and figured out the "solution?" Fear gripped my heart. Stories of some of my friends flashed through my mind--the ones where they described how it took years and years to find the correct medication. Was it going to be like that for me? Would medication work for a few months and then plateau, leaving me in the fog once again.
But maybe was just the after-Christmas blues. The letdown. I'll wait a week and see what happens before calling my psychiatrist and messing with meds.
But then a day hit that I just could not endure alone. I called Kelly and began to cry. "It's back. I'm feeling it all over again."
Thank God for friends who have "been there." She calming began running through different things that had changed in the last month. Triggers.
Lack of sleep?
I'd been going to bed late, not sleeping great (since I wasn't at home). It was that kind of interrupted sleep where children wander into the room the middle of the night and you go back to sleep, but the interruption of sleep builds into exhaustion over several nights.
CHECK!
Changes in diet?
Um, hello! It was Christmas right? The kitchen counter top had boxes and cans and bags of sugar-rush treats and my hands kept grabbing for more. Lack of self-control after weeks of depriving myself on the Candita diet.
CHECK!
Exercise?
Negative. It was lazy holiday.
CHECK!
Kelly described how key things like sugar, diet and sleep can affect depression in big ways.
I was relieved. Maybe it was just those daily-life habits that were out of balance.
I was bummed. SHOOT! It's never just as simple as taking a pill! There would have to be some discipline and effort and self-control required of me for long-term health.
So I jumped on the treadmill, went on sugar-detox and drank a ton of water. Within two days I was feeling myself again. Thank you Lord, for wise friends.
So now, when I have a couple of low days in row, I go through these questions. These days, it's typically exercise. I find if I go four days or more without running, the fog begins to creep in. A quick jump on the treadmill and the endorphin rush seems to keep the fog at bay. Looking back--from my teen years on--I think running is what kept "depression symptoms" hidden. I was a cross-country runner and ran a marathon in college. I think running is probably what kept me balanced for a long time.
"Dark days" are especially hard at that time of the month, ahem. But this true for many women. Sometimes when I am down, a quick panic rushes through me. Am I sinking again? That fear. A disbelief of sorts--that God would somehow turn things back. Spiritual amnesia of what God has done.
But then I recall something my psychiatrist had said, "Our lives will never be perfect. There will still be hard days. The point is that those days are few and far between. And that there are more good days than bad."
Everyone has "down" days. It's the nature of life--being human and experiencing the ebb and flow of life--it's ups and downs. It's life outside the Garden--where all of life was in perfect harmony with God. Like so many other things in life, depression is one of those awful things that we have here on earth because of sin, the fall of man.
Let me be clear, I'm not saying I have depression because of something I did or didn't do. I'm saying that the hardships and pain and death we see and experience here on earth are because of that first original sin in the Garden. This act that separated us from God. Because of sin, we live in a broken world, in broken bodies. There was no depression in the Garden or in Heaven, because the presence of God brings perfect health and joy. The way we were created to be with him, originally.
That's why we have Jesus--our savior--literally saving us from the death of sin because he paid the price of our guilt on the cross. I am so thankful that because of Jesus, I will one day be "whole"as he created me to be. God's provision of family, friends, medical professionals, medication have provided a band-aid of sorts here on earth. A means to help me continue living His plan and purpose for me. But one day....there will be no medication, no sweating on the treadmill, no longer striving and fighting against sin's collective pull on my human life. Why?
I'll be Heaven, sitting on the cool grass next to Jesus. I'll be working on a crafty hand work (knitting, embroidery, maybe). Conversation will be easy and enjoyable. No fretting over life's struggles, what to do, give me your advice, Jesus. It will be a perfect, joy-filled moment full of life and laughter. And we will remember this particular season of my life, but not in a sad way.
Then, Jesus will show me. Like a old home movie, we will watch the "bigger picture" of my life. All the small moments put together in a continuous story--the hard moments and the joys.
And I will understand.
He will say, "And that is why. Do you understand now, Janna? Why I allowed you to experience depression? Look at the beautiful result. I am so glad you stuck with me. I was there with you all along the way, making sure you never fell completely into darkness. We made it through together and I'm so proud of you for continuing to seek me even at your lowest point. You didn't become bitter or blame me. You knew I was the solution and you kept on walking, even in pain. And now look at the result. Look how I made beauty from your ashes. What Satan meant for death and destruction, I used for good."
From Isaiah 63: 1-3
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn...
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.
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I'm literally crying as I type right now. The last four paragraphs of this post have flowed from my fingertips to the keys without thought or creative construction. It's as if God has spoken to me through sharing this with all of you. This was evidently part of journey as well--healing through sharing with others.
I'm not sure what "good" will come from this season of my life--what result, how it may cause me to be more effective in His purpose for me. But I know it will. I cling to that promise. And I know one day I will understand.
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12
Love this version from The Message:
We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
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Music and scripture did a lot to help me through the fog. In those darkest hours, I couldn't find the words to pray. Sometimes, I would simply whisper, "Jesus," trusting that his name would reach the ears of God and petition on my behalf.
There were several scriptures that I also spoke as prayers...reading and rereading, claiming His promises to me. And music has always been mood-altering for me. I labeled playlists on my iPod: Dark Days, God Loves Me.
So today I thought I'd share some of those verses and songs. Maybe you need to claim them as your own. Maybe you need to write one in a card to a friend. Maybe sit in a quiet space and breathe the lyrics of a song. Or maybe you do the 40th load of laundry and need to just make it through the day. So here goes.
SCRIPTURES:
Lord God, your glorious word exhorts me to return to my fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now you announce that you will restore twice as much to me. Zechariah. 9:12
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. But TAKE HEART! I have overcome the world." John 13:33
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5
You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. Isaiah 55:12
Lord, I cry out to you, my spirit grows faint within me, my heart within me is dismayed. Psalm 143: 4
Lord, help me not to fear, for you are with me, I need not be dismayed, for you are my God. You will strengthen me and help me: You will uphold me with your righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
You, O Lord, are like the light of the morning at sunrise on a cloudless morning, like the brightness after rain that brings grass from the earth. 2 Samuel 23:4
Lord, the night is nearly over; the day is almost here. Help me to put aside deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Romans 13:12
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. Psalm 51:12
But you, Lord are a shield around me, my glory the one who lifts my head high. Psalm 3:3
SONGS
Cry Out to Jesus - Third Day
I Lift My Hands- Chris Tomlin
I've Found a Love - Tabitha Summers
The Light in Me - Brandon Heath
Healing is in Your Hands - Christy Nockels
How He Loves - David Crowder Band
Times - Tenth Avenue North
Better Than a Hallelujah - Amy Grant
Praise You in This Storm - Casting Crowns
My Deliverer - Chris Tomlin
I Still Believe - Jeremy Camp
Rise - Shawn McDonald
Hold My Heart - Tenth Avenue North
Might to Save - Jeremy Camp
Your Name - New Life Worship
Grace Flows Down - Christy Nockels
Come Thou Expected Jesus - Chris Tomlin, feat. Christy Nockels
10,000 Reasons - Matt Redman
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I have good friends. I mean, I am blessed with AMAZING friends. During my Psalm 71 season, they were the hands and feet of the Body of Christ. They encouraged and served me in the practical ways that I needed.
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My Psalm 71 Journey is a blog series that journals my struggle with depression. By honestly sharing my story, I will describe the highs and lows, the encouragement, my treatment decisions and how God has met my needs--bringing His glory to my unglorious situation of depression.
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Just one week after beginning my perscription medications, I began to see improvement. Technically, it can take up to 6 weeks for these types of drugs to be "fully" in your system and to see results. I wasn't see dramatic-I'm-back-to-myself results yet, but there was a "brightening." The fog was beginning to lift.
I wrote this in an email on Sept. 20:
I was greatly encouraged by these two verses this morning. I know that my "day" is still a ways a way, but for the first time this week, I feel like I can see the light peaking over the faraway hill. I feel my true self beginning to emerge again. I can see in Matt's face that he sees moments of it, too.
"You, O Lord, are like the light of the morning at sunrise on a cloudless morning, like the brightness after rain that brings grass from the earth." 2 Sam. 23:4
"Lord, the night is nearly over the day is almost here. Help me to put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light." Rom. 13:12
The Lord has sent help through a mother's helper who will be coming to help me each week. She is an amazing girl who has a heart to serve and love on my kids. I feel so blessed. The Lord had strongly told me, "Accept the help that is offered." And so I am accepting this gift with open arms.
The candida diet is going well. It's not as hard I thought it would be. I've actually had an amazing amount of energy (in comparison) the last two days. Motivation is returning also. Although they say it can take up to 4 weeks to feel the effects of anti-depressants, my body has always been sensitive to drugs and I think this is a good sign that it is working.
One week ago, today, I woke up in darkness. Today, the light is dawning. It amazes me how God has provided so much help and resources in just one week! Counseling appt, physiatrist appt, midwife appt, kinesiology appt, new diet, mother's helper....
Thank you for praying. Your prayers (and mine) have been heard and the Lord is giving generously to me.
Ten days after taking the meds, Matt and I were sitting on the couch watching something on TV. All of sudden I gently laughed about something on the program. Matt looked over me and smiled and said, "There you are."
I was returning. I knew things were going to be better. I knew the treatment I was taking was working. A sense of relief and hope.
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My Psalm 71 Journey is a blog series that journals my struggle with depression. By honestly sharing my story, I will describe the highs and lows, the encouragement, my treatment decisions and how God has met my needs--bringing His glory to my unglorious situation of depression
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